Cold Mourning

  For Ted Weagle — Love Always

  1995 — Prologue

  Sunny had been crouching in the tall grass for what felt like a very long time. After Lily left, she’d flattened out a little burrow and huddled into the dank earth that smelled of earthworms and rotting leaves, turning around and round like her dog Rascal getting his bed ready for a long sleep. Finally satisfied, she’d squirmed into herself, knees tucked under her chin, arms wrapped around her skinny legs. She’d kept motionless while the wind rustled the grass around her like garter snakes slithering through the underbrush. She’d crouched there long enough for the sunlight to fade from dazzling hot to a pale golden yellow. Long enough for her legs to go from tingly to numb.

  But still Lily did not come.

  What was it Lily had whispered to her just before she stood to face the woods at the far end of the field? “Don’t stand up and don’t make a sound. Do not move until I come back for you. I will come back for you, Sun.” The last words were a hot breath of promise against her cheek.

  She’d nodded and felt the warm pressure of Lily’s hand on her head. Lily’s fingers had tangled in her hair, but she hadn’t made a peep, not even when Lily pulled her hand too quickly away, yanking with it several strands. She’d listened to Lily pushing her way through the thick reeds until the sound of her feet squelching through the mucky dirt had faded, leaving only the soft whoosh of the wind through the grass and the water tumbling over rocks on its way downstream. She’d fought back the panic, the need to stand up and scream at the top of her lungs for Lily to come back, not to leave her behind. She was really alone then, with her thudding heart and burning lungs — reminders of their frantic run through the brush along the slippery riverbank.

  Almost instantly, mosquitoes had buzzed around her head and tracked their way to her arms, getting worse later as the sun started to go down. Her sweater had kept most of them from biting, but not all. She’d tucked her hands between her knees and pulled her jeans lower over bare ankles, keeping her eyes tightly shut, pressed into her pant leg. From time to time, she’d lifted her head just enough to see the edge of the sky above the grass. Then she’d lowered her forehead back onto her pant leg and squeezed her eyes shut. Even when sharp stalks of grass had rubbed against her face, she’d stayed motionless, letting the fear buzz unchecked in her stomach like the flies circling her head.

  She could only guess at the time as the afternoon emptied into early evening. Her belly had grumbled in hunger. She’d needed to pee, but she’d stayed in place. At some point, she dozed.

  The sun was just above the tree line when she opened her eyes again, not sure at first where she was or why she was there. She’d been dreaming that her mother’s arms were tight around her. Safe, warm arms with gentle hands attached that rubbed up and down her back. She’d known it was just a dream though, even half-asleep. She could barely remember having a mother let alone the feel of gentle hands on her back.

  A noise ricocheted across the field above the sound of the river and the wind in the trees. It was the crack of a tree branch further up the bank and off to her right. Sleep disappeared and her senses screeched onto high alert. Questions jumbled in her head. Was someone coming through the tall grass toward her? Was Lily on her way to find her? Hope filled her, but only for a moment.

  Lily should be coming from the other direction. She’d be walking silent as a cat, never giving herself away. It couldn’t be Lily.

  The girl lifted her head just enough to see the sky above the grass and listened, testing the air like a frightened rabbit. Then she dropped her chin again and pulled herself into a tighter ball. Footsteps were coming closer, crunching through the grass like a monster in a bad dream. A whimper rose up her throat but she held it in, squeezing her eyes tighter.

  He’d followed them. The man with the unblinking eyes that had looked at her and Lily like they were garbage. She’d known he would come. Lily had said he wouldn’t give up easily. Lily, she screamed in her head. Lily, come save me! She scrunched her face harder into the rough denim of her jeans.

  The footsteps stopped above on the incline, not far from her hiding place. She imagined him raising his head and sniffing the air like one of those hunting dogs, trying to smell out her and Lily. He’d be even angrier now. He’d be thinking of all those unspeakable things he’d promised when he’d had them in the back of his van. She squeezed her eyes tighter, willing him to follow Lily’s trail up through the field to the forest.

  If only they hadn’t taken his offer of a ride. If only she hadn’t leapt ahead of Lily into the open door to sit in the back seat. She’d known it was wrong to ignore Lily when she shook her head not to get in the van, but she’d been angry with Lily for bossing her around all afternoon. Doing what she wanted for once was a little victory, and for a few minutes it had felt good to sit and not have to walk one more step in her cheap, too tight shoes.

  Lily’s eyes had darted between her and the man and he’d smiled at her hesitation before he shrugged and started to slide the door shut. That was when Lily had pushed her way past him and into the back seat next to her, landing with a flounce and sigh that was all Lily. She’d reached across the space between them into Sunny’s bag of jujubes and taken a handful, stuffing them into her mouth and chewing slowly, all the while pinning her with accusing eyes.

  “I’m tired, Lil,” she’d said by way of explanation. Already she regretted her weakness that brought them into the back seat. Her stomach was filled with a hum of worry she couldn’t still. “My feet hurt.” The last sentence came out grumpy.

  “We could have called Roger to come get us,” Lily said. Her voice was soft, without blame. It would have been better if Lily had been angry. This quiet Lily was unsettling.

  “I’m sorry, Lil.” She passed her bag of jujubes over to Lily to take the last. She’d saved the black ones but didn’t feel right eating them now. Lily took two and handed the bag back to her.

  “Just don’t tell Roger we took this ride. He won’t like it.”

  Their attention was drawn to the front seat. The man cleared his throat loudly as he pulled onto the highway. He reached over and fiddled with the radio until he found a country station. Then he lit a cigarette and started humming along to the music. Every so often, his eyes would be looking at them in the rear-view mirror.

  She could feel Lily hunching down lower in the seat beside her. The ride hadn’t been too bad so far, and she’d relaxed, turning her head to look out the window at the houses flying past. It would be okay. They were going to be home soon and Lily would forgive her.

  That was before the man started talking.

  “You little girls like to go riding with strangers?” he asked.

  His voice was fake friendly like the people in the last home Sunny had lived in. She swivelled her head slowly around to look at Lily. Lily had lowered her head and tucked her chin into the fabric of her shirt. Neither of them said anything. They sat very still. The man lit another cigarette. It bobbed up and down between his lips as he spoke, the smoke drifting into the back seat in a white haze.

  “I mean, look at the two of you. No sense between you. Why, a man might think you were asking to get fucked. I just don’t know what it is with sweet young things these days. Leading a man on. Jumping into his van. Good girls woulda known better.”

  She’d stopped understanding then. His words got uglier and faster and Lily reached for her hand until she couldn’t tell who was squeezing harder. They were driving out of town the right way and then the man turned onto a road she didn’t know. She didn’t recognize the last of the houses they passed before the woods and the brilliant blue glimpses of river that replaced them. The man’s eyes in the mirror were long past friendly.

  “You’re going the
wrong way.” Lily’s voice, small but defiant. She’d got back some of the anger she carried around and for a moment, it felt like they might just get out of the van okay. Lily was no match for the man though.

  He inhaled deeply on his cigarette and then smiled at them in the mirror. His humming was as bad as all the awful things he’d been saying. The car started to slow and he was leaning into the windshield, looking off to the right side of the road. “You girls don’t mind a little detour, now do you?” he asked. He turned the wheel suddenly onto a dirt road that she wouldn’t have noticed. “It’ll give us a chance to get to know each other better.”

  The car jolted through potholes, blowing a billow of dust skyward. Shadows whipped in bands across the car from the trees that lined the road. Lily let go of her hand and sunk lower in the seat with her face tucked into her shirt. They drove deeper into the brush. The man opened his window a few inches and she could hear the sound of the river getting louder. She turned her face toward Lily, silently begging her to come up with a plan. Lily kept her face hidden and for a moment, Sunny thought she might be sleeping but knew this was impossible.

  The car drove around a long curve and she could see the river sparkling in patches through the trees. She’d never been on this road before but knew this was the same river that went past their reserve. The car slowed and the man eased it into a clearing carved out between the road and the river bank. He shut off the engine and flung one arm across the seat back as he turned to face them. His mouth formed a straight, hard line. His pale blue eyes were shiny.

  “Which one of you cunts wants to play first?” he asked. His eyes shifted between her and Lily. “May as well start with the big one and work my way down.” He chuckled and pointed to Sunny. “You stay in the car and wait your turn.” He got out of the van and came around to slide open Lily’s door. “Out,” he said.

  Lily shook her head.

  “I said out!” He grabbed hold of Lily’s arm and yanked her from the seat. Her feet twisted backwards like a rag doll, but he kept pulling her, dragging her from the floor of the van until she was half-lying in the dirt. He picked her up from behind, arms around her waist, and dragged her further behind the van until they were out of sight. Lily screamed and kicked at the empty air the whole way.

  The noises didn’t stop even though Sunny couldn’t see them. Scuffling and a slap that echoed back to her in the van. She jammed the knuckles of one hand into her mouth to keep from crying out. Lily was in trouble and she had to do something. She couldn’t just sit and wait like the man had told her. She had to help Lily.

  She reached across the front seat and grabbed the keys from the ignition. A little metal bottle opener hung from a silver chain with five keys on the ring. She couldn’t see anything else in the van to use as a weapon. She’d jab the man with the keys so Lily could get away.

  She slid the van door open and jumped onto the ground. Crouching low, she crept the length of it until she reached the tail light. The man had his back to her. She stood and took a few steps toward him.

  Lily was on her knees and the man was standing in front of her with his back to the van. He had his hand in Lily’s hair and was pushing her face back and forth, back and forth in front of him like a yoyo. His head was thrown back so that he faced the sky and his eyes were closed. A moan came out of his mouth as if he was in pain except he was smiling. Sunny moved closer. Lily had her mouth around the man and she was making gagging sounds as he thrust himself into her. Her eyes were wide open and the whites reminded Sunny of a wild horse.

  “Harder,” the man said and he growled in his throat like an animal. “This is the only thing you Injun girls are good for. Harder girl.”

  Sunny stepped closer, ready to lunge, the keys clutched between her fingers and her hand raised to strike. She would do it even if it made the man mad. If he hit her, Lily would have a chance of getting away. Another step and Lily’s crazed eyes found her. Her right eye, which had been partially turned from Sunny, was now visible in all its horror. The blackened socket was swelling up like a burnt marshmallow. Lily tried to shake her head but the man yanked her face forward. Sunny took another step. She scanned the ground for something to hit him with. There were only leaves and twigs. She started to run toward the man’s back, her hand with the keys stretched out in front of her.

  Without warning, the man dropped to the ground, screaming like he was on fire. He rolled himself into a ball, his back arched and his legs tucked into his chest. Lily scrambled away from him on her hands and knees. She kept her eyes on him writhing in the dirt as if he were a rattlesnake that wasn’t done striking. Her mouth was sticky with saliva and she wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her shirt, never taking her eyes off the man screeching on the ground.

  Sunny swerved past him to get to Lily, who was staring at the man, frozen in place. Sunny tugged hard on her arm, frantically pulling Lily back from the panic that filled her face. Lily shifted her eyes from the man and looked down at Sunny as if she didn’t recognize her. Sunny grabbed onto Lily’s hand and tugged. They backed away, their feet feeling for footholds in the uneven ground until it felt safe enough to turn their back on him to face the brush and trees. They ran toward the riverbank. The man’s crazed screaming chased them as they scrambled through the bushes, but his footsteps did not.

  They half tumbled down the embankment, stumbling and holding onto each other, their limbs rubbery and out of control. They slid on their bums the last way down and regained their footing just before the water. The shoreline was pitted with tree roots and large rocks that they dodged past in their frantic scramble to escape. Sunny held fast to Lily’s hand, twice falling to her knees in the muck and water.

  Lily wailed deep in her throat, a keening sound of anguish. She half dragged Sunny through the weeds and water while Sunny struggled to keep her feet from slipping from under her again. They rounded the bend in the river. A stretch of beach and open water sparkled before them. Lily moved deeper into the river. She sank to her knees and plunged her face into the cold water, spitting out a long stream when she surfaced. Her black hair hung in dripping strands across her face. She staggered to her feet, crying and panting at the same time. Her legs were wobbly and the current pushed her off balance so that she rocked back on her heels, nearly falling into the faster moving water. Somehow, she stayed upright. She turned away from the shore and wrapped her arms around her stomach before hunching forward and throwing up. The sound of retching was deadened by the water rushing over rocks deeper into the river.

  Sunny didn’t move, too frightened by this Lily she had never seen before. The Lily who never backed down from a fight. The Lily who never cried. “Come back!” Sunny wailed above the sound of rushing water. “Lily, come back!”

  Lily straightened from the waist and squared her shoulders. She wiped her face one more time with the back of her hand while looking downstream from where they’d come. Then, she turned back toward Sunny and took careful steps through the water to where she stood waiting on the sandy edge. Lily’s face had settled back into its normal flat mask and Sunny felt the fear lessening. Lily took her hand. Her mouth was set.

  “Time to go.”

  “Why did he fall like that?” Sunny asked as they crossed the little stretch of sand and stone. “I didn’t even touch him.”

  “Because I bit him,” Lily said. “I would have bitten him in two if I could have gotten my mouth open wider.” She pushed the hair from her face and stopped in front of Sunny. Her right eye was nearly swollen shut. “You still have his keys?”

  Sunny looked down at her hand. She didn’t remember clutching onto them. She nodded.

  “Give them to me.” Lily reached out her hand and tucked them into the pocket of her jeans. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

  They started up the side of the river bank. Sunny kept looking back as they climbed, imagining the man close behind them. She was starting to tire but didn’t complain. Her cheap black shoes were cutting into her feet. Lily stopp
ed a few times and waited for her to catch up.

  “Why’d you wear those shoes today? Your runners would have been better,” said Lily.

  “I wanted to look pretty for going into town,” said Sunny. “These are my dress up shoes.”

  “You’ve started limping. Maybe you should take them off.”

  “I think I twisted my foot on a rock,” Sunny admitted. She hadn’t wanted to tell Lily but it hurt when she stepped on her right foot. Lily frowned.

  They’d reached the crest of the hill and a long field of grass stretched in front of them. The ground was muddy under their feet and water pooled in their footprints. Lily looked around until she found a dry place in the grass closer to some pin cherry bushes near the marshy edge just where the land rose up from the riverbank.

  “I’m going to go ahead and lay a trail for him to follow if he gets this far,” said Lily. “He didn’t strike me as someone who gives up easy. Plus, we have his car keys. He can’t very well drive away without them. You stay here and I’ll double back after I leave enough clues to make him think we’re in the woods over there.” She squinted into the sun with her good eye and pointed across the field.

  “I want to stay with you, Lil.”

  Lily looked down at her. “Your legs aren’t as fast as mine, Sun. It’s better if you can hide here until I come for you. We have to outsmart him. I won’t let him catch us again.” She spit into the dirt and used the tip of her shoe to spread the gob of phlegm around. She took Sunny’s hand again. “Here’s a spot where you’ll be out of sight. It’s our best chance, Sun. You’re not going go all baby on me, I hope.”

  Sunny shook her head.

  “Good because you know what I think about babies.”

  Sunny thought the man was gone. She’d heard him circling around, but there hadn’t been any sounds for several minutes. It would be good to stand and stretch but Lily said not to move. She would stay hidden until Lily came for her. A noise in the grass somewhere off to her right and Sunny strained her ears to hear. Was it a mouse scampering closer to her hiding place?